Sunday, October 29, 2006

Who am I (Part 5 - Still in the Seventies)

I began to ask myself about the meaning of my life. No matter what I did I couldn't get out of my head the image of my friend lying on his deathbed. Dying in the very bloom of his youth! I looked around and couldn't understand how other people could go on living as if they wouldn't one day also die. Why was I still alive? What was life for? I felt as if there was a wound in my soul. I knew that God could cure it. But I didn't want anything to do with God.
I continued to live like an idiot chasing after my usual distractions. But I was restless. I would read anythat came into my hands. I was searching. I didn't know what it was that I was looking for but I knew that I would find an answer within me. For a while I began reading books about the occult until a friend of mine, a scientist, told me not to waste time on such foolishness.

In the end I decided to read the Bible. My friend had become a Christian and from the Bible I was sure that I would get an answer to my questions. It was a disaster. I had read a lot - the greatest works of literature available to me. To me the Bible was a joke: inferior, unworthy of comparison. I laughed at the poor quality of the Gospels.

Little by little I was descending into utter darkness, worn out and consumed by a desire to know the truth. I began looking for it, not with my mind - which is what distinguishes us from the animals - but with my fleshly senses. And all the time the truth was within me, more intimate than I am to myself, more elevated than the most elevated faculty I enjoyed.
I tried everything...

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